JUANSday // Week 2

Welcome back to Brad's second installment of JUANSday aka his recap of our Bachelor fantasy league. 

***There are spoilers to this week's episode, people, so if you haven't seen the episode, don't read this -- or do, but don't get pissy at me when you already know what happens***

Take it away, Bradley... 

Welcome back to the second installment of the new weekly feature, which I have deemed henceforth be known as JUANSDAY.  It just goes down like a nice white wine, don’t you think?

If you had seven minutes into the second episode in your ‘When will the first Bachelor contestant unleash her schmitties?’ pool, then CONGRATULATIONS!  You are a winner!  Thanks to Lucy and her apparent clothing allergy, we are ensured this season of The Bachelor will be more like a season of The Real World than ever before.  In fact, I may take the liberty of christening this season as Real World: Juany Pabs.

As a sidenote, does anyone else find it ironic that our boy JP doesn’t get subtitled when speaking English on this show, yet shows like Swamp People and Duck Dynasty do get English subtitles…over top their English? Just an observation, now let’s get back to the show.

Clare went and got herself her first Juan-on-one date with JP (see what I did there?!) BROOKE EDIT: THAT IS MY FANTASY NAME, YOU DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THAT PUN UP.  After first tying her up, Fifty Shades style blindfolding Clare, he drove her away in his car to a winter wonderland.  They had a nice date of ice skating and sledding down man-made hills that is just so typical of LA in October.

Now, others may argue otherwise, but I am personally not a huge fan of Clare.  She’s a little too eager to prove how much she has a connection to Juany Pabs. Play a little hard to get girl; it took approximately 3 minutes and 48 seconds before going after that first makeout sesh.  Nothing like the story of your dead father to get those sympathy hormones going, amirite?  Clare has clearly watched Wedding Crashers enough to know how to cash in on a funeral.

I am going on record as saying Clare will be the first one give it all up in an effort to prove her love.  My guess is no later than episode number 5.  I am also now accepting action on this gambling line.  Seriously Clare, learn to slow play it.

Kat got the second Juan-on-on date. She couldn’t help but imagine life with JP, flying around the globe on his private jet to exotic locales.  That revelation made me laugh.  She knows in real life Juany Pabs doesn’t actually have a private jet, right?  Seriously, the travel budget for The Bachelor must be insane.  It has to be at least half the operating budget. Anyway, while on the jet, Kitty Kat was surprised with neon clothing (and one presumes copious amounts of Molly) before being taken to the Electric Run in Salt Lake City.

Aside from running at what looks like an embarrassingly slow pace, they finished and proceeded to dance up a storm on stage. Kat is one of my early favorites, and she looks genuinely fun.  Plus she can hold her own in front of thousands of screaming people, and still manage to have some fun.  Good for you Kat, we’ll see you in episode 3.

Another sidenote, after seeing Juan Pablo running for the second episode in a row, I have come to the conclusion that maybe his daughter wasn’t the real reason he decided to “retire” from playing third division American pro soccer.  Maybe his coaches saw him run, and were like, “Yeah, this isn’t going to work.”

The group date was a photo shoot to help raise money for a local animal shelter. This date must have been a test to see how each of the girls reacted when asked to dress in her respective outfits.  Andi and Elise were tasked to each take it all off in the name of puppies. Nothing says “long term future” with someone quite like seeing them naked on your first date.  I like that Andi questioned whether or not to go through with it, but agreed after having an open discussion she decided to go through with it.  She handled things the way any well respected federal prosecutor would. I’m firmly on Team Andi.

Elise decided to switch roles with Lucy, and instead donned what looked like a converted bottle of ketchup. Lucy was more than willing to take it all off, her clothing allergy makes her get all itchy if forced to wear clothing for any length of time longer than a TV timeout. It doesn’t take much to see Lucy’s goods.  I imagine a conversation something like this:

             

Nudity Enthusiast:  “Hey Lucy, tomorrow is Thursday. Can I see you naked?”

Lucy: “Well, a day like that only comes around every so often…”

Also, I like how the powers that be at ABC added the second censored bar at everyone’s waist to make it look like they were completely in the nude.  Here is the actual photo:

Clever, guys. 

Kelly won the group date rose, because I imagine JP felt bad for making her dressed up like a mentally handicapped Oompa Loompa: 

Awesome.

Now it’s the time of the recap to touch on the Hurricane that was Victoria. Oh, sweet, sweet Victoria. As a reminder, it’s never a good idea to down a couple bottles of wine before heading out on your first date. Especially if said first date includes a gaggle of other attractive women (and Cassandra) vying for your man’s attention.

Victoria’s strategy for this portion of the date was to drink enough to loosen her morals for when Jaun Pablo came strolling her way.  Case in point, this drunken quote, “That’s what life is about, straddling people…and things.” The flaw in Victoria’s plan was that JP did not come around in a timely enough fashion, leaving her trying to leave the show in a drunken rage. Props to the PA of the show diverting Victoria away from the elevator by telling her she couldn’t leave without her shoes. (Remember kids, when faced with a drunken animal; always use drunken logic to talk them down and divert their attention.)

Victoria stumbled back into the bathroom stall, a big old mess of pinot gris, tears, and daddy issues.  Once again, house mom Renee was left to pick of the pieces.  This led to my favorite part of the night, Renee slowly sliding under the bathroom stall like it was a bank vault laser beam. That move was good for this week’s “Brad’s sneaky hot Bachelor moment of the week.” I look forward to carrying on this lofty tradition in future episodes.  Mark my words, Renee is going to go far this season, and I’m not just saying that because she’s on my fantasy team.

Besides Victoria, who didn’t even make it to the rose ceremony, this week saw Chantel and Amy L. (the worst TV interviewer ever) sent packing.  One more fantasy team is left without any more girls. Team Latino Lovers, we hardly knew you.

The herd has been thinned from 18 to 15. I don’t know what I’m more excited for, the next drama filled group date, or that next week will feature the LA Galaxy and Major League Soccer.  It’s like all the things I love coming together to bring me joy.  We’ll finally get to see if JP is as bad a soccer player as I suspect him to be.  I just can’t wait for Lucy to streak across the Stub Hub Center field, right as A.J. DeLaGarza is taking a shot on goal.

See you next week!

TEAM RECAPS:

- Don't Steal My Sparkle (Kristi): Cassandra, Elise

- Team DD (Tyler): Lucy, Clare, Lauren S.

- Wine, Women, & Juan (Judy): Ashley, Maggie

- JUANderlust (Tricia): Katherine, Lauren H.

- Here For The Right Reasons (Brad): Renee, Sharleen

- This Is Not a Game (Kelley): Allison, Kelly, Victoria*

- Fantasy Suite (Erica): Christine L, Alexis

- Team Chris Harrison (Jason): Chantel, Andi, Amy J.

- Latino Lovers (Annie) Valerie, Amy L.

- One on Juan Date (Brooke): Kylie, Christine H.

- Last Juan Standing (Cory): Danielle, Chelsie

- Neil Lane Lady (Justine): Lacy, Nikki*

* Denotes the pick resulted from a trade

Cheers to Juanny! 

<3 BB