1.23.2014

JUANSday // Week 3

Ladies and Gentlemen, 

We are back for another installment of Juanny Pabs and his lady friends. Bradley is here to recap this week's episode of The Bachelor and he is hoping he gets a little more love. Last week he was sad when he didn't get very many comments. I told him welcome to the world of blogging; it's dog eat dog here in blog land. I also laughed when my halfass polyvore outfit-board the next day got many more comments than his recap. Just goes to show that people are scared of paragraphs. Take it away, Bradley.... 

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Life is all about probability.

Another week in the books, and another team has seen their girls swept aside like the street trash they are.  Sorry Brooke, but this week saw the tragic demise of Christy, whom I hadn’t even realized was still on the show because they never once featured her on camera.  The most camera time she got was when she was eliminated.  Is it her fault that Christy has a hard time opening up to people? Well, if you are going on a dating show where you are trying to beat out 26 other women to win the heart of a Venezuelan who can more than likely only comprehend half the things you are saying; yes, it would be advantageous to open up a little more. 

Now I enjoy odds and statistics, and women who go on The Bachelor need to understand that there is only a 1 in 27 chance that Juan Pablo will chose them.  If you’re doing the math at home, which I’m sure you are because you’re not stupid (expect for Cassandra), that means there is a 3.7% chance of finding love on the show. 96.3% of the women on the Bachelor are only going to find disappointment and, in some cases, humiliation. What is something with a better probability of finding love on The Bachelor?  I’m glad you asked:

Probability of finding love on The Bachelor – 1 in 27 = 3.7%

Probability of getting hemorrhoids – 1 in 25

So yeah, statistically, you more likely to have to sit on a special hemorrhoids pillow than actually fall in love on a TV show. 

This week was filled girls who found various ways to open up to JP to win his attention, if even for a fleeting second.  Each of these women ended the week with a beautiful rose to her name, and increased odds to live happily forever in a relationship formed on a TV show.  Christy, all you left with was heartbreak, and an emotional scar. Let’s take a look at who helped herself this week:

Kat – Kat used the subtle, yet effective strategy of strapping her fake boobs in a blue bikini and straddling JP’s head for what seemed like forever while playing games of chicken in the pool.  Kat clearly knows that when your thighs are clenched around JP’s ears, his mind will not roam elsewhere.  So what if it makes Crazy Clare get jealous and start to break down (and house mom Renee once again come to the rescue, sigh). As Richard Sherman so eloquently tweeted yesterday, “A lion does not concern himself with the opinions of sheep.” Well played Kat, well played.

Sharleen – Any good con man knows the key to playing your mark is to tell him ‘no’ enough times until he is begging for you to let him into the ruse. Our girl Shar Shar is making JP feel like she could care less about him, and he is eating it right up.  She’s gotten more play than any other girl on the show.  She also was able to play the sympathy card during the soccer game after getting hit with more balls than Jenna Jameson. Too bad this week Juany Pabs found out that Sharleen kisses like an 8th grader going through puberty. The con woman is about to meet an untimely fate, I am afraid.
Andi – Playing to Juan Pablo’s child-like sense of wonder and adventure, Andi used her individual time allotment during the group date cocktail hour to take a walk around the stadium concourse.  While taking their walk, JP got hungry – playing soccer will do that to you – and made a stop at a stadium concession stand.  Like two kids sneaking away from their parents, they shared a quick makeout sesh in the concession stand kitchen.  From here on out, any time Andi gets a whiff of French fries, she is sure to think of Juany Pabs and that fleeting moment in time they shared next to the deep fryer.

Renee – Juan snuck into the house to make the ladies his traditional Venezuelan breakfast. He wanted to see the girls with no makeup and in their natural habitat.  Kelly quickly freaked out at the sight of JP in the Kitchen. She was all “get away from me, I’m HIDEOUS, don’t look at me” (which is closer to the truth than she realizes).  Renee, on the other hand, rolled out of bed and took the opportunity to share a moment with JP before the rest of the girls had a chance to put their face of. Which leads me to this week’s installment of Brad’s Sneaky Hot Moment of the Week: any shot of Renee’s eyes. Seriously, her eyes are the truth. -WE GET IT BRAD, RENEE IS YOUR FAVORITE, why don't you go date her instead then

Chelsie – Chelsie played the role of damsel in distress to perfection this week.  She was scared to death of bungee jumping of a bridge with Juany Pabs, and seriously questioned whether or not she could go through with it.  This made JP feel like the heroic white knight, who was able to comfort her and give her the strength to leap off a bridge towards possible death below. Chelsie rocketed up the charts after her performance this week.  Just don't tell that to Elise, who continually questioned Chelsie’s ability to be a mother and called her a child repeatedly, even though she’s only three years younger than Elise.  Elise is one of my least favorite girls remaining, along with Kelly, Cassandra, and Clare.



Cassandra – Speaking of Cassandra, I’m not sure who has a more limited grasp of the English language, Juan Pablo or Cassandra. Credit to Cassandra though, she picks out one or two main points, and sticks with them.  Did you know that this was her first first date since she was eighteen?  Well, if you didn’t pick up on that the first time she told you, she let you know again, and again, and again.  Apparently Juan Pablo is into repetition.

Now is the time to start thinking who will be the next Bachelorette.  As of right now, my top 5 contenders are:

4. Chelsie
3. Renee (would be higher, but I think she’d rather be a mom than be the Bachelorette. Good for her.)
2. Andi (would also be higher, but I think she’d rather be a prosecutor than have a TV boyfriend)
1. Clare – she’ll do anything for attention. I would watch zero seconds of that show.

Until Next Week!

TEAM RECAPS:

- Don't Steal My Sparkle (Kristi): Cassandra, Elise
- Team DD (Tyler): Lucy, Clare, Lauren S.
- Wine, Women, & Juan (Judy): Ashley, Maggie
- JUANderlust (Tricia): Katherine, Lauren H.
- Here For The Right Reasons (Brad): Renee, Sharleen
- This Is Not a Game (Kelley): Allison, Kelly, Victoria*
- Fantasy Suite (Erica): Christine LAlexis
- Team Chris Harrison (Jason): Chantel, Andi, Amy J.
- Latino Lovers (Annie) ValerieAmy L.
- One on Juan Date (Brooke): KylieChristine H.
- Last Juan Standing (Cory): Danielle, Chelsie
- Neil Lane Lady (Justine): Lacy, Nikki*
* Denotes the pick resulted from a trade

<3 BB 

10 comments

Amanda Elizabeth - Meet @ the Barre said...

This is hilarious....I don't need to watch the show just read this detailed recap. Honestly that bathing suit picture needs a rated R warning....good thing his head was there to prop them up!

Kenzie S said...

To help Bradley feel better - I love his recaps! I get a good kick out of them! Any who, I think I would rather get a hemorrhoid than go on The Bachelor, seems less painful.
I am so glad you pointed out Sharleen kissing like an 8th grader! That was the moss awkward kiss I have ever seen, I cringed while watching it.
I don't like Kelly much, she seems oddly full of herself and I don't think she should be. I don't like Elise either.. Too cocky.
I love Renee! She does have really pretty eyes, but she also seems more real than a lot of the other women.
I so wish I knew about the Fantasy Bachelor Draft earlier ha ha!

Kasey Lynne said...

Okay, ABC needs to stop zooming in when people are kissing. It's just gross. Do they not remember how nasty of a kisser Sean or Arie were? Eww, just gross. Sharleen is just as bad.

Clare LOOKS like a crazy person. If you look like one, you're DEFINITELY one.

Brad, you have the best one liners..

Helene in Between said...

i have stopped watching the bachelor so i have to rely on these recaps for the insanity. i liked the description of the strapping blue bikini and juan pab's mind location. i mean, this is the bachelor. someone's gotta get a disease.

FARMER &the BELL said...

i'll be tuning in for next week's recap. what's better than watching the bachelor on sunday AND monday? reading about it on thursday. thank you.

Laura {happily ever} Parker said...

I've stopped watching the show because it's too long to hold my attention. So thank you for this recap - next week included photos of the girls so I can remember who is who!

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

Claire needs to GO but I have a feeling she's gonna be on there for a while. Same with Charleen. STFU bitch. I wanna punch her in her twat face.

Kay said...

Have I already mentioned how much I love these recaps? And I don't even watch the dang show! But this time Brad totally screwed himself.. There's no way that he'll be able to top comparing The Bachelor to hemorrhoids. Perfection.

Bad Luck Jenn said...

more balls than Jenna Jameson. Can I love you as much as I love Brooke? I totally wish i couldve donr Fantasy Bachelor!

Krystal said...

I'm glad you like Chels! She is my good friend from college. It has made the Bachelor SO much more exciting to watch!