2.05.2014

JUANSDAY // Week 5

And Brad finallllllly wrote the recap guys. About time. He is really throwing off my blog game today, but I will forgive him. Let's get started shall we. 

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Sorry I’m late to this week’s recap guys, I’m still basking in the glow of team Looking For Mrs. Lowe’s emphatic victory in trivia last night. I apologize, but seeing as I’m pressed for time today, the recap is going to be brief.  I’m going to take a look at each of the remaining contestants, and their odds for winning the heart of Juan Pablo. 

Before we get there, can I first say that I am not impressed with Juan Pablo as The Bachelor. Frankly, I think he is boring.  Behind that Venezuelan accent, I don’t think there is much substance.  Besides being a subpar soccer player, what other traits has he shown, either physically or personality wise?  He like to dance? Other than that I’m having a hard time coming up with much.  Besides taking girls on scary dates in order to look like a hero when he persuades them to jump of a bridge/repel into “Hell,” I’d say not much.  Maybe Sharleen is right, maybe he is a bland guy.

Now back to the most important Bachelor power rankings you will read today, and most likely ever in your entire life:

8. Cassandra – 

Just Casandra and her baby daddy NBA player. This week, Juan Pablo and his harem sauntered off to Vietnam.  As part of lunch, they visited a traditional Vietnamese home.  The girls and JP picked various fruits and vegetables out of the garden, and then lunch was prepared for them using what they picked from the garden.  While picking things in the garden, this is an actual quote that came out of Cassandra’s mouth, “Wow! I wish we had these in America!”
Gardens.  Cassandra wishes we had gardens in America.

7. Katherine – 
Aside from her fake bubbies and love of dancing to K Pop music, Katherine hasn’t really been featured much this season.  Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have much of a future on this show.  My guess is that Kat or Cassandra is the unlucky girl to be sent off from the one on one date without a rose that was teased for next week’s episode.

6. Chelsie – 
Chelsie has quickly skyrocketed up The Bachelor big board.  She seems like a fun, down to earth, pleasant person to be around.  She’s sure to make some guy very lucky down the road.  I just hope it’s not with Juan Pablo.  Honestly, she’s too good for him.  This onion has too many layers for JP to decipher.

5. Sharleen –
Some people have been criticizing Sharleen for being too cold and not fawning over Juany Pabs like all the rest of the girls.  Personally, I think Sharleen is doing what any normal person would do in a real-life dating situation.  She’s actually wanting to feel him out before she decides whether or not she’s about that life.  Good for you for not deviating from who you really are.  So what if you’re entirely too complex and deep for someone like Juan Pablo to handle, Sidenote, slow playing JP is working brilliantly.  Keep doing what you’re doing girl.

4. Clare – 
On my personal big board, Clare falls somewhere between AIDS and taking a taser straight to the face. However, this isn’t about me, this is aBachelor big board.  I have no doubt that Clare is going to make the final four, even if she has to sleep her way to the top.  Clare doesn’t need friends; she needs something more important than that.  Clare needs attention. Lots and lots of attention.  Maybe Juan Pablo and Clare were made for each other.  Who needs actual conversation, when you can just have sex in exotic bodies of water?

3. Andi – 
Andi has started feeling left out by Juan Pablo, seeing as everyone is getting one on one dates but her.  She had a vulnerable moment in the garden in Vietnam, but was comforted when Juany Pabs said “trust me, I want you here.” Next week teased that Andi finally gets that elusive Juan-on-one date that she has been hoping for. So many besitos to be had!

2. Nikki –
I have been going back on forth on whether or not I actually like Nikki. She seems nice enough, and she and Juan Pablo seem to have a good enough time. She does have a great tattoo, but other than that I feel like hasn’t done much that’s memorable to me.  Plus, can we talk about that dumb headband she had on this week?  Between that headband, and the flowing scarf she wore in her hair, maybe it’s he choice of questionable headwear that caught Juan Pablo’s eye.

1. Renee –
I wish it were possible for Renee to be higher than this, she is clearly the class of the field.  Everyone in the house like her, she doesn’t take herself too seriously, and she is beautiful.  She finally got that kiss from Juan Pablo that she has been pining for for weeks now.  To top it off, Renee is not the type of girl that would risk getting Vietnamese bacteria up her Virginia to impress a man.  Besides, everyone knows the first one to put out is not the way to win the heart of anyone no longer in college. We get it, Brad. You like Renee.  Get over her already. #BrookeEdit

Renee has been responsible for more Campbell’s Soup Sneaky Hot Moments of the Week (sponsorship!!!) than any of the other contestants combined.  Her legs in that silk Vietnamese dress win this week’s award in a landslide.  I am officially 100% on the Renee bandwagon. Ugh. #BrookeEdit

Don’t mess this up Juan Pablo…

Cheers to the Final Rose! 

<3 BB 

Images 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

8 comments

Brad Snook said...

Sorry for making your blog late. Thank you for not being a train wreck of a person like man of these girls.

Kasey Lynne said...

Renee is cute.
Juany Pabs looks like he's smashing Nikki's head in that photo.
Sharleen is cute, but reminds me too much of Courtney from Ben's season. BYE BYE

Rachel @ Love, Rachel said...

hahahahaha….hahahahahah

Kay said...

Sooo... I think Brad might be on Team Renee? Maybe? It's hard to tell..

Ashley said...

This made me laugh out loud, probs because we share the same feelings about so many of these Juany ladies. Sometimes I wonder why I watch every week, and then Mondays come along and I'm like, "ohhh yeah, for the trainwrecks..." #clare

kailyn marie said...

ohhhh brad. get back on #teambrooke she's better than all these hoes.

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

"Clare falls somewhere between AIDS and taking a taser straight to the face." lmfao... the nail has been hit on the head.
Can we talk about how Kat loves to dance and thinks she's good but really fucking SUCKS and looks like she's having a damn seizure?

Melissa said...

I read about the whole fiasco with Clare. Goodness gracious. Is it just me, or does Juan Pabs seem like a huge player?