2.12.2014

Juasday // Week 6

Brad took it upon himself to live blog his thoughts while we watched the Bachelor last night for our Bachelor Fantasy Draft. So it means this week we get an extra peek into what goes on in Bradley's mind in real time. It's scary, my friends, scary. I don't know where he comes up with this stuff.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Bouncing Balls and Erupting Geysers - The Bachelor Week 6 Recap

Since we were forced to DVR this week’s episode due to Brooke’s Monday volleyball game (which they won!), I didn’t get to have our group next analysis of the show.  Instead I am choosing to live blog my thoughts for this week’s episode.  I have no idea what is going to unfold, or where my stream of consciousness will take me.  Strap in, it could get bumpy.

To the live blog!

- Dolphins. Lighthouses. Wild horses. Sheep. Welcome to New Zealand!

- Fun fact: There are approximately 11 sheep for every one person in New Zealand.

- Odds Cassandra can actually locate New Zealand on a map? Under 2%

- Oh weird, Clare’s already complaining.

- Date card comin’! Andi gets her first one-on-one date.
“Let’s HEAT things up”

- By the way, Brooke is impressed with Andi’s scarf

- Weird, Clare starts complaining again.

- Things that I bet Clare gets upset with because it’s not all about her:
  • The Super Bowl
  • Presidential Inaugurations
  • Trips to children’s cancer wards
  • spelling bees
  • The Westminster Dog Show

- “The pressure is just building, and building, and building.” - Clare, a volcano of emotion.

- Two two single moms have a heart to heart, Cassandra misses her kid. Tears are shed. We find out that Cassandra turns the ripe old age of 22 the next day.

- Renee - the house mom once again calms down a worried and doubting contestant. I’m getting the feeling she wants to help others more than she actually wants to win.  She could easily single-handedly mentally destroy the rest of the field.  Renee, YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!

- Second volcano analogy of the night (Andi).

- Things we learned about Andi this week - she dresses just like Brooke (scarf, flannel, jeans, riding boots). Keep it up Andi! #BrookeEdit - She really does have cute clothes. I want.

- Andi’s date starts off on a speed boat. Just once I wish that there would be a legitimate real-life date on The Bachelor.  Would love to see how they could build the drama of a movie date based in Lincoln, NE.

-“The Squeeze” - Andi accents her one piece bathing suit with her sexiest pair of Aqua Socks.  

- On the real, Andi looks great in that bathing suit.  She wins Brad’s Sneaky Hot Moment of the Week this week.  Congratulations Andi, your prize is in the mail.

- I’m convinced Juan Pablo’s idea of a good date is finding out the fears of whomever he is on a date with, and using it to mess with their minds. So far we’ve had leaping from bridges, repelling off cliffs, and squeezing through tight spaces.  I hope the next date involves killer clowns.

- While walking through the jungle, JP smacks Andi in the face with a fern. This made me laugh.  Juany Pabs is such a gentleman.

- Making out under a waterfall in the New Zealand - really original Juany.




- For the Nightcap of the date - dinner in front of a geyser.


- Seriously, New Zealand looks like what I image Never Neverland to be like.


- Half expecting Clare to come walking out of the fog and spray from the geyser with WWE music blaring to interrupt the date and ask why JP isn’t paying attention to her.


- Andi just said something about how the geyser makes everything soaking wet. There’s a joke in there somewhere.


- Group date card comes - Shar Shar, Chelsie, Renee, Kat, Cassie.


- Clare got the one on one, and does that thing when people who act surprised only to make themself the center of attention.  WHO?!?!  ME?!?! I NEVER SAW THIS COMING!!!


- JP and Andi have to move the date do to a premature geyser eruption. Don’t worry Juan Pablo, we’ve all been there.


- Difference between Andi and Clare
Andi “Even if I didn’t have nice things or a great job, I just want real love and someone to share it with.”
Clare (hypothetically) - “I just want to find someone who will give me attention and give me nice things.”


- Andi gets the rose. She nailed this date. Very well done Andi.  It must have been the Aqua Socks


Group Date - Picnic and bouncing balls
- Cassandra has had a ton of camera time tonight - she is clearly going home.


- Chelsie just stole JP from the group date for some alone time. Smart move by Chelsie, as she has seemingly been a fringe player in the season thus far.  During their alone time, Chelsie compared New Zealand to Ohio...  


- Chelsie knows not of which she speaks

- First roll in the big inflatable bouncing balls down the hill - Kat and JP.  The only things not bouncing around were Kat’s augmentations. Suckers never moved an inch.


- Everyone gets special ball time with JP!  Nikki takes time to make out with JP while bouncing down the hill.  Interesting strategy Cotton, we’ll see how it plays out.


- On the evening portion of the group date, Juan Pablo and his armada take a trip to Hobbiton, the place where they filmed The Hobbit.


- True life - I have never seen The Hobbit or any of the Lord of The Rings. Movies never actually appealed to me either.  If you think less of me for this, eff you. Haters gonna hate.


- Today is Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. I’m sure Hobbiton is going to be a memorable place for your last meal.


- Renee and JP take some alone time on a bench.  Renee tells JP about the mommy convo that she and Cassie had the night prior.  Things are growing between Renee and JP, and they kiss again.  Alas, there were no geysers.


- Nikki and JP - alone time #2. Nikki is dressed like 1999 J-Lo.  Boots and a loud skirt.  Nikki lets JP know she is not going to be scared, and that what they have is going to be worth it.  She is learning the art of the slow play.  JP respects when women talk about their feelings.  Also, when women smile, or blink, or laugh.  You can’t convince me that Juany Pabs comprehends more than 33% of what the girls are telling him at any one time.

#BrookeEdit - I am beginning to think maybe it's Juanny that is the bad kisser....


- Shar Shar and JP - Alone time #3.  Once again, they start out by making out.  Literally less than a sentence was said. Sharleen asks JP what he thinks she’s feeling.  Because she is used to real life dating and isn’t going to fake what she feels, Shar Shar is questioning the process because it seems inorganic.  (you don’t say…) Juan Pablo says “I understand,” and then begins to kiss Shar Shar again.


- Juan Pablo does not understand at all.


- Cassandra and JP - Alone Time #4.  Cassandra tells JP how much she respects him as a dad, and how before going on The Bachlor she was very closed off and putting all her focus on Trey.  “I’m on the path of having everything I want with JP”


- Group date decision time - Renee wants Cassandra to get the rose.  Renee wants everyone to win. Renee needs to snap out of her motherly instincts and crush a soul or two.  It’s not to much to ask.  She could take this game by storm if she really, truly wanted to.

- SHARLEN GETS THE ROSE!  Score one for team “Here For the Right Reasons!” If we’ve learned anything to this point, it’s that Juany Pabs only cares about making out, and has no clue what Sharleen says when she speaks.


- Now JP wants to take Cassandra on a walk.  It’s like the scene when pop takes Old Yeller on a walk.  He’s about to put her out of her misery. We can all see it coming.


- JP sends Cassandra home mid group date, saying he doesn’t want her to wait another day to see her son, and doesn’t want her to wait until the rose ceremony.  


- Happy Birthday Cassandra.


- Cassandra said she’s been waiting her whole life to find someone to spend the rest of her life with.  As a reminder, this is the 1st day of her 22nd year on Earth.  Cheer up Cassandra, there are plenty of other NBA players out there.


- The group date has now turned into a funeral.  WAY TO KILL THE VIBE JUANY.


- This is the 2nd time this show that they have teased Sharleen saying she thought it was best if she were to leave.  You won the group date Shar Shar.  Don’t stick that knife in your leg!


- Brooke just turned into a puddle seeing the baby sheep (I guess that makes them lambs)!  Squeeeeeeeeeee!


- Clare’s Juan on one date.  She’s still having a hard time dealing with what happened in Vietnam.  Those exotic Vietnamese bacteria are a bitch.


- “Today, he’s more than welcome to say Clare, I’m sorry” She is definitely that person who will always let you know when you are wrong, and needs to let you know about it. Seriously, Clare is the worst.


- Clare needs answers.  What are our boundaries? Juan Pablo says he has never kissed anyone or held hands with a girl in front of Camila. JP said the 4am tryst in the ocean didn’t feel right.  






- JP tells Clare he doesn’t want her to cry.  Clare - “Then don’t make me sad.”


- I want to throw sheep poop at Clare.


- Apparently Clare has a history of houdini-ing out of situations, and running away from her feelings. Rather than bolting this time, she just made him apologize without taking any of the blame.


- Seriously, how many times is Clare going to say JP apologized for hurting me.  This is maddening.


- I bet the producers edited out the part of the date where Clare made Juan Pablo pee on the floor, and then rub his face in it just to prove her point.


- “How you handled it today…” Clare is more selfish than a fat man at the state fair with only one bite of his elephant ear left.


- Juan Pablo - “I like listening to you.” - This proves my theory that Juany Pabs doesn’t actually listen to what the girls are saying.  He’s distracted by what their words sound like.  


- When they get dressed to their pjs, Juan Pablo give Clare a pair of those Beiber-esque low crotch pants.  Wait, they’re BOTH actually wearing Beiber pants?!  I don’t understand life anymore.


- Camiiiiiiiiiiila is going to be PISSED when she see her dad make out with everyone all the time.


- Clare thinks she and JP have something on a whole different level than all the other girls.  It’s so cute when they say that.  It’s like she doesn’t understand how the show works.


- More sheep!


- JP tells Chris Harrison he is thinking about getting down on one knee and proposing, he’s just no sure to whom yet. I hope it’s to a sheep.


- Odds Clare says something to stir the pot at the cocktail party: HIGH.


- Most awkward cocktail party ever. Clare is clearly rubbing off on the rest of the house.  You can cut the tension with a knife


- Juan Pablo tells Nikki he is wearing pink underwear.  Just your natural date conversation.


- Juan Pablo (to Nikki) “What do you want out of your life?”
Nikki - “I want my forever. i want a partner, and I just want my happy ending.” If only she were at the geyser date…


- “There’s nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid.” Juan Pablo referring to Renee.  She could win this!!! (I hope she doesn’t, for her sake though)


- Anytime JP says I understand, I get the feeling that he doesn’t actually understand.


- Kat has been journaling since she got here. Things I imagine Kat has said in her journal. What are the odds that journal has a reading level above 8th grade?


- Kat admits to JP that she has daddy issues., and that she once climbed in her litle sister’s crib to comfort her when their father was drunkenly passed out.


- This is the first time in six weeks that Kat has said anything of substance to Juan Pablo.
#BrookeEdit - What do you mean she doesn't look like a girl full of substance?!


- Kat still has issues letting guys in and share that trust with them.  Relationships with Kat are slow burns. Kind of like Chlamydia (so I hear).


ROSE CEREMONY TIME!


- Andi, Clare, and Sharleen already have roses, meaning there are three roses remaining. Nikki and Renee are shoe ins.  


- Kat vs. Chelsie.  Two girls enter, one girl leaves. Silicone or smiles, who will it be? This. Is. THUNDERDOME!


- Nikki gets a rose.


- Renee gets a rose.


- and the final rose goes to…...CHELSIE!


- No one will make eye contact with anyone.  It’s like someone let out a silent but deadly one, and no one take ownership.


- We’re now down to six girls: Andi, Chelsie, Nikki, Renee, Sharleen, and the spawn of Satan.


- Sharleen looks distraught. She feels guilty. Sharleen is not a good fit with JP.  In real life,she would be bored as hell with Juan Pablo.  Sharleen is a fine wine, and Juan Pablo’s palette can only appreciate Carlo Rossi. She’s going to give it another week, and if she can’t see herself with JP - she’s out.

#BrookeEdit - ew she has a horrible cry face.

- I imagine Sharleen will try to put her heart out there and explain her feelings to JP. Confused because he can’t actually understand what she is saying, he’ll stop her mid-sentence and begin to make out with her.


- Nikki and Clare finally go at it in next week’s episode.  I cannot wait. I hope Nikki leaves with a handful of Clare’s weave.


There you have it.  I hope you have enjoyed this recap, and we’ll see you next week!

Cheers!

<3 BB

12 comments

Ashley said...

This post is making me wish that I was watching this season so that I could follow along with this post. It's making me laugh even though I don't watch the show, so I can only imagine how great this would be if I watched!

Ashley, Married to the Game

Margaret said...

hahahah! This post is all sorts of amazing. Clare = she-devil. Can't stand her. Also pumped about the Clare-Nikki showdown next week.

JumpingJE said...

Of all the hilarious, my favorite was the "I just want my happy ending" / "should have been at the geyser date" bahhahaha. Well played, Brad.

Laurie Olsen said...

Okay I don't even watch The Bachelor but I found this so very entertaining. Hilarious through and through. I was on the edge of my seat.

Kathy @ Vodka and Soda said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAH! this is so awesome. i dont watch the bachelor but this makes me want to!!

-kathy
Vodka and Soda

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

I also want to throw sheep poop at Clare... and everyone else too for good measure. ANY poop will do actually.

Whitney Leigh said...

I'm in a giggling fit over here. like...I have no words other than he is the BEST at recapping the Bachelor. I will never go anywhere else.

Alex[andra] said...

Lol! I love if someone has a lot of camera time, it means they're going home.

Kasey Lynne said...

GOODNESS Brad, you had a lot to say!!

Eww, the kissing shots need to stop! It's just gross. I don't want to see other people's tongues.

Kay said...

I've never cared about The Bachelor more than I do this season, purely because of these posts. When Brad said he was going to throw sheep poop at Clare I totally lost it. HAHAHAH.. JP also seems like a total tool.. but he's on The Bachelor to find his soulmate, so I don't know why I'm surprised.

Kenzie S said...

This recap is hilarious! I'm sad he didn't mention that they threw sheep shit at each other on the group date though. Isn't that every girl's dream date? Ha ha! Clare, I can't stand her. Nor can I stand Sharleen. Ugh. I'm also starting to think that it is Juan who is the awkward kisser too!

Fairy Princess Jord said...

Haha perfect summary of the episode. And Brooke, I agree about the baby sheep, just too cute!