2.19.2014

Juansday // Week 7

Oh hello there guys, late to the game as usual on Wednesday because Brad was slacking with his recap post.... Also, I found out last night he takes this very seriously. The past two weeks he has been live blogging while he watched. Evidently, it is not just that simple though. It is an entire process. With note taking during the show, edits after, and adding the real meat of the post at a later time. Who knew he took so much pride in his Bachelor Fantasy Draft Recaps. I wish he loved me as much as he loves writing this blog post every week...anyways, enjoy!

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Some People Just Want to Watch The World Burn
The Bachelor Week 7 Recap

Once again, we were forced to DVR this week’s episode due to Brooke’s Monday volleyball game - which they again won! I have decided that another running diary is in order for this week’s episode.  Joining us this week, is Cory, who was also unable to watch the show live. Once again, I have no idea what is going to unfold, or where my stream of consciousness will take me.  Put on your high heels and strap on your best push-up bra, it’s time for The Bachelor!

To the live blog!

- As a refresher, there are six girls left - Andi, Chelsie, Kate Gosselin, Nikki, Renee, and Sharleen.  By Kate Gosselin, I mean Clare, of course. I detest them both so much that I consider them interchangeable.

- Due to some great scouting and good management, my team (Here For the Right Reasons) still has both my girls, Renee and Sharleen, remaining.  I own 25% of the field!

- This week the girls take a trip to Miami, the hometown of El Soltero. Fun fact, El Soltero is Spanish for The Bachelor.  Don’t say you didn’t learn something new today.

- JP gets to see Camila for the first time in a long time, and she knows it’s him straight away when he does his signature whistle.  Camila immediately comes running.

- Is having a signature whistle kind of like having your own signature cocktail that you always make, or is it some kind of thing that you acquire when you become a parent, as some kind of secret parental instinct?  Either way, I cannot whistle, and I get a little jealous at all you who can whistle out there.  Don’t rub it in.

- Since the group is in Miami this week, I hope their group date somehow involves showing up midway through the 1st quarter of a Heat game, and then leaving with at least 5 minutes left of a close game. Just like real-life Heat fans.  

- Clare has that look on her face like she is always smelling something rotten.  Even when she’s doing that fake smile thing she does, it looks like she has a whiff of rotten fish in her nostrils.

- Juany Pabs is talking with his cousin about the girls, and Sharleen in particular.  Juan Pablo clearly is all about Sharleen. He tells his cousin that our girl Shar Shar could be the one.

- Sidenote: JP’s cousin has adult braces.

- Sharleen gets a date card hand delivered by JP, and has 10 minutes to get ready. She better change out of those cutoff jean shorts with a slit down the side.  I am not impressed.  Get it together Sharleen, “redneck chic” is not a good look.

- Shocker, Clare throws some shade on Shar Shar getting the first date. She wants all the one-on-one dates, and thinks it’s not fair that other girls can get alone dates with Juany Pabs.

- Sharleen is saying that she might go home on her own recognizance if she is still not feeling the vibe from JP.  She has not been feeling Juan Pablo from the start.  I can’t blame her, Juan Pablo is kind of boring.

- This is the part of the evening where Brooke and Cory start talking over the show, and I can’t hear anything...

- Rule #1 of The Bachelor, no talking during The Bachelor.

- Sharleen says Juan Pablo is trouble, and they start making out.  Their chemistry is all flash and no substance.  Their relationship is Kim Kardashian.

- Sharleen is entirely too complex and sophisticated for Juany Pabs. That is a compliment for Sharleen by the way.

- Cutting away from the date, we see Nikki tell the other girls that Juan Pablo can’t just move to London (or wherever it is Sharleen lives) to be with Sharleen, because he has a kid. I don’t think Nikki understands how airplanes work.

- Sharleen and JP make out in the ocean. Trus life, JP only goes on dates involving water.

- Juan Pablo (to Sharleen): “You’re doing very good at not trying to impress me, and you impress me. I like that.”

- Sharleen (to Juan Pablo) “Why can’t I stop kissing you?” Because there is nothing else that drives conversation, obviously.

- Juany Pabs is impressed by the words Sharleen uses when she speaks. So proper.

- Juan Pablo. GRAMMAR FETISH!

- Sharleen - “I wish I was a little dumber.”

- Major points to Sharleen, she manages to insult both Juan Pablo and the rest of the girls in the house for not being on her level.  I love the way Shar Shar plays this game. She is like Beyonce, and everyone else is just the tertiary member of Destiny’s Child that is lucky to even ride her coat tails.

- Chelsie hoping to be on the date card, saying that she has not had any alone time in awhile.  Cheslie just sealed her fate. Clearly she is going home. Never tell the camera you have not had any alone time in awhile, it’s the kiss of death.  Unless you are Clare, and you just think that you’ve had no alone time.  Listen Clare, not all of us get to have ocean sex with Juan Pablo.

- Nikki gets the date card, Clare complains about someone else getting attention. I’ve had bouts of food poisoning that I liked better than Clare.

- Sharleen goes to the house mom Renee for another heart to heart.

- Renee, in the name of everything good and sacred, STOP BEING SO NICE TO EVERYONE. THIS IS A GAME!

- Seriously though, who do you think Renee is rooting for to win this season of The Bachelor? I bet she wants Clare or Andi.  Anyone but herself.

- On Nikki’s solo date with Juany, she admitted (to the camera) that she is absolutely falling in love with Juany Pabs.

- They’re going to Camila’s dance recital.  Nikki is the first one to meet the kid. The Baby Mama is going to be there too!

- Children’s dance recitals, only enjoyable if your child is involved. The thing about children’s dance recitals is that they are perilously similar to child beauty pageants.

- Nikki (to CAMMMMMEEEEELLLLLA #BrookeEdit): “How long have you been practicing?” Camila - “A lot.” Camia clearly doesn’t share her father’s affinity for grammar.

- The evening portion of their date takes place at Juan Pablo’s office at Marlin’s Park. This struck me as odd because Juan Pablo does not work for the Marlins.  Dude’s a “sports and entertainment consultant.” Just because one of your clients is the Venezuelan Baseball Hall of Fame does not mean that you can call the stadium your office.

- Nikki proclaims that “The entire stadium is empty.” Oh, so it’s like an actual Marlins game then.

- Fun fact, Marlins park is one of the worst stadium deals in the history of pro sports.  They hijacked the city, and Miami will be paying of that stadium for decades.

- Not to mention their atrocity of a home run fountain they have in the outfield.

- Nikki is wearing a half shirt. It’s essentially one of those bibs you get at a seafood restaurant, and nothing else. It’s quite interesting to witness from a physics standpoint, really.

- Brooke says Nikki’s hair will struggle in that Miami humidity. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is...

- Nikki is the first one to say she is in love with Juany Pabs, but she doesn’t actually say it to him.

- Sharleen is still wrestling over whether or not she should stay with JP. That, or she looks like she has major gas. She is super conflicted, and tell the girls that she will be resigning from the show.

- All the girls are secretly excited on the inside. Except for Renee, Renee is rooting for everyone but herself.  Clare legitimately looks like she just won the lottery.

- Sharleen is so committed to slow playing JP so much that she’s going to leave the show in order to have JP wrapped around her finger. Slow playing herself right off this show.  Interesting tactics, Cotton...

- While Shar Shar is telling Juan Pablo that she is leaving, he grabs her face repeatedly.  That’s something that weirds me out about him, Juany Pabs loves touching faces.  It’s like he’s Helen Keller.

- Juan Pablo tells Sharleen “You got my attention, because you’re different.” Had Sharleen not kicked herself off the show, she absolutely would’ve won.  JP  is all about Sharleen. I wish Shar Shar would’ve consulted with me before making a decision that impacts me financially.  Couldn’t she just have faked it for another three weeks?!?!

- Juan Pablo private alone on the balcony crying time. Someone please queue up the Sarah McLachlan, he’s going to need to a good, long cry and a bottle of wine.

- Sharleen (to the camera in her interview): “He doesn’t have what I’m looking for in terms of a forever.”



- Juany Pabs doesn’t even have what Shar Shar looks for in a Thursday, let alone forever.  I have no qualms with Sharleen leaving this show (other than the fact she just cost me money), I can’t blame her for not feeling it.

GROUP DATE

- Oh look, it’s another date involving water. The producers must only give him a choice of dates that force the girls to wear bathing suits.

- It looks like Andi remembered to bring her schmitties on the date.  Cory literally just yelled with excitement.

- The fact that they gave all these attractive girls aqua socks to rock with their bikinis it hilarious.  It’s like putting a Disney World bumper sticker on your Ferrari.

- Chelsie brought her entire day planner and letters from her parents on the group date?!?!

- 5 questions I have about Chelsie bringing letters from home on the group date.
  • Wow, she really must not have anything to talk with Juany Pabs about.
  • Does she bring her day planner on every single group date, just waiting for the right time to spring it upon Juany Pabs?
  • Is this like an advent calendar, where she opens a new letter every day.
  • What happens to the left over letters once she gets sent home after tonight?
  • Is Juan Pablo easily distracted by the bright colors of the envelopes? (yes.).’

- Love this move by Andi. She was walking on the beach with JP and said “get ready for a breakdown,” then proceeded to sit down and just starts crying.  Andi has learned that Juan Pablo has a weakness for tears, and plays right into it.  It;s like Babe Ruth calling his shot. Juan Pablo is putty in these girls’ hands.

- Juany Pabs touches all over Andi’s face now, it’s just so awkward.  Reminds me of the Lionel Richie “Hello” music video. <----- GO watch this video if you have never seen it. Lionel Richie is the greatest, ever. #Brooke Edit.

- Renee’s bathing suit though.  Holy christ.  Shut it down, this show is over.  Renee wins everything.

- No wonder Clare loves attention, she is the youngest of six girls. That says a lot.

- Now it’s Clare’s turn to cry. Here comes her sob story about her dad, and how he made a DVD for her future husband.

- If you’re scoring at home, that’s 4 of 6 girls that have openly cried to Juan Pablo this episode. Like clockwork.

- I would give anything for that video from Clare’s dad to say “Clare is the least favorite of my daughters, and I don’t wish her upon any man. She needs more attention than a toddler with ADHD. Good luck to you buddy.”

- Andi wins the group date rose, Clare throws some serious shade.

- “I deserve something wonderful” - Clare.  Gross.

- She then turns into that lady on the airplane who is about to miss her connection, and is going to let everyone else know about it.

- Clare is a fun sponge, just sucks the life out of all dates.

- It’s time for Andi and Juan Pablo’s solo date.

- They go to a latin dancing club.  We learn that Andi is a terrible dancer. JP must be questioning the decision to give Andi the rose.  Where is Kat when we need her?

- Clare can’t help but be disappointed.  Says she now gets to hang out with Nikki.

- “I want to hang out with Nikki as much as I want to be stung by a jellyfish.”

- I would pay money for that to happen on camera, by the way.

- Nikki points out that the other girls are smiling, and Clare is just stone faced.

- Here it comes, the Nikki v Clare battle royale!!!!

- This just turned into an episode of Basketball Wives.

- The two girls have turned this into a territorial dispute over who actually claims ownership of the bedroom Nikki sleeps in while in Miami. “Who’s suite is this?” “Is your stuff here?” “Did you pay for it?”  “No, did you?”.  I feel like I am taking crazy pills.

- Both girls are now cutting each other off and asking the other to stop cutting them off so she can finish.  This is your life to Juan Pablo.

- Nikki (to Clare): “Why is it always about you?!?” God Bless Nikki.

- The girls are always wearing different shade of highlighter for the cocktail party. Chelsie is in black. She must know she’s about to go home.

- Chelsie trying to diffuse the situation and make conversation, it’s not working.

- Clare is the last one out of all her family that is not married. She is beyond thirsty.

- If you’re scoring at home, Nikki and Clare are feuding.  Nikki is now referring to JP as “my boyfriend”.  Make it stop.

- Clare claiming Nikki is pulling the wool over JP’s eyes.  Pot, meet kettle.

- This might be my least favorite episode of the season.  Way too much negativity.  Not nearly enough Renee.

- Nikki and Clare in a solid game of who will break first.  No one saying anything. It’s a solid thirty seconds of silence before Andi comes over to break the silence, it doesn’t work.

- This must be what the Cold War was like.

- This is like a hostage situation.  Nikki and Clare have hijacked everything.  I want them both gone.

- Sharleen is right.  Everyone on this show is beneath her.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME

- It’s got to be Chelsie that goes home.

- Andi already has a rose

- ...Nikki gets the rose

- ...Clare gets a rose.

- I hate everything.

- Renee or Chelsie.  Team Lowe v Team Snook.

- Cory now yelling at the tv, rooting for Renee to go home. Don’t lie to yourself Cory.

- RENEE GETS THE ROSE!!!

- I don’t want Chelsie to go home.  She’s a nice girl, taking the loss like a champ.  She upped her stock by going on this show.  Best of luck to you ma’am.

- I hope Juany Pabs chooses both Clare AND Nikki in the end.  It would be like dating the 7th circle of hell.  They all deserve each other.

- To recap, the only girl that my team (Here For The Right Reasons) has lost went home on her own accord, and she would’ve won the whole damn thing.  RIP Shar Shar.


- There are TWO Bachelors next week, the hometown dates and the fantasy suite. What should the format of next week’s recap be?  Two updates? One mega update?

- Should we have all of you send in questions for me for a Bachelor mailbag where I answer all your questions?  PLEASE SEND IN YOUR QUESTIONS AND I WILL TRY TO ANSWER THEM NEXT WEEK.

- We get teased that something goes horribly wrong in the fantasy suite!!!

- My guess, Andi uses massage oil on JP, but accidentally knocks over a candle, lighting him and the rest of the suite on fire.

- There are a plethora of ideas running through my head about what it is that could’ve gone wrong in the fantasy suite, but not many of them of them are appropriate for this recap. Sorry guys...

Cheers!

<3 BB

Image found here and here.


15 comments

Kathy @ Vodka and Soda said...

i think my husband has had enough of bachelor because i think he's tired of the guy. normally he's all up with it but during the last episode, all he had was hate and then he switched it off mid-way! unheard of!

-kathy | Vodka and Soda

Brad Snook said...

We couldn't find a good photo of Nikki's half-shirt?

Kay said...

We definitely need to find another show for Brad to recap after The Bachelor is over.. These are hilarious. I also know every single thing that has happened on this show.. and I've not watched 1 minutes of it. I am currently looking to see if I can find footage of the Nikki vs. Clare spat.. because that sounds hilarious. Also, Clare, what the hell?

Fairy Princess Jord said...

Here's to hopin Sharleen is the next bachelorette and that Clare finds a better plastic surgeon for her face injections next time around.

Laura {happily ever} Parker said...

Thank goodness all I have to do is read this and get caught up. I stopped DVR'ing the show after the ocean sex romp.

Rachel @ Love, Rachel said...

bahahahah love love love this!

Helene in Between said...

so sharleen for Juan Pabs huh? i look to you and you alone for these recaps.

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

It's about damn time Sharleen left!

Erica Jacquline said...

Oh JP! I had to quit this season he is so much sizzle and no substance! Thanks for keeping me informed. You are all I have!

Kenzie S said...

I've been wanting to quit this season because JP is really started to get on my nerves.. I totally get why Sharleen said she wishes she were dumber! I got a good kick out of that. I have a funny feeling that Andi and JP go a little too far and she is upset about it, and the other girls want to kill her for it. Ha ha!

Lauren S said...

I don't even watch the show but I love reading these recap posts. Shenanigans.

Kasey Lynne said...

Bye bye Shar Shar. Good riddance you dummy.

p.s. who's the blonde at the bottom with the pretty hair? i want it.

Whitney Leigh said...

I did not like Sharleen at first. But as the weeks went by, I really started to like her. And I think she was the most beautiful. I'm glad she excused herself though. She is way out of JP's league. They all are. Except of course Kate Gosselin. (HAHA) but I'll still be pissed if she wins.

Kalyn V said...

Not going to lie, I barely read this because I don't watch The Bachelor, but my dad has a signature whistle! I think it's just a thing that develops over time... but anywhere we were (the park, the beach, etc) and he needed to get our attention, he just had to whistle and we knew it was him!

Cortney said...

you make me happy.