3.12.2014

JUANSDAY // AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The time has finally come. As I mentioned yesterday, Brad has been very invested in this season's Bachelor, due to the fact that we created a Bachelor Fantasy Draft (board and all) and there was 120 dollars on the line. The Final Rose has been given out. No I Love You's were actually said by Juanny Pabs, and Brad is still not over the fact that Clare went farther in the show than Renee did. Can't win 'em all Bradley.... Anyway here is the Final Bachelor Fantasy Recap! Enjoy.

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What to Do When Your Hero Is Actually A Villain?

(Warning: Spoiler Alert)

When he was first introduced as the title figure in The Bachelor, Juan Pablo was presented as the shy one from The Bachelorette who was an ex-soccer player and single father who had a Venezuelan accent that the ladies would swoon for.  It turns out we were wrong.  Juan Pablo turned out to be a dickbag, and the finale is the night the world officially turned on its hero.


We got our first hints of the night’s narrative early on in the finale when Nikki and Clare got to meet Juan Pablo’s family.  Each girl got some alone time with Mr. and Mrs. Juany Pabs, as well as Cousin Pabs.  True life, these are actual things that Juan Pablo’s family told to the girls:


  • “He’s hyperactive, very hyperactive.”
  • “Sometimes he is very rude.”
  • “He’s not an easy guy.”
  • “He thinks he knows the truth about everything.”
  • “How much fighting in a relationship can you take?  Because sometimes when things are getting rough, he’ll walk away from that.”


Not quite a ringing endorsement from the family.


It’s easy to see why Clare was clearly trying to force more smiles than a beauty queen with his family. She looked plastic with them.


Following her time with Juany Pabs’ fambam, Nikki said that the family raised a lot of questions to her, but that they’re not a red flag to her.


Nikki, you’re doing it wrong.


Even the audience could see that Juan Pablo was less a shining beacon of light, and more of a smoldering dumpster fire.  Here are actual responses from the audience:


  • “This is going to end badly.  This is going downhill quickly.”
  • “Sometimes with Clare you’re sitting there watching through your hands.”
  • “Honestly I don’t see it lasting forever with either one.”


You can see where this is heading.


Each girl had their final dates with Juan Pablo, and Clare was the first one to have her date.  During the daytime portion of the date, She and Juan Pabs took a romantic helicopter flight over St. Lucia to take in the sights. Now, most people would take this as an opportunity to whisper romantic things to the person that you may or may not be getting engaged with very soon. Juany Pabs took a different approach, boy did he ever.


So what is it that Juan Pablo said to Clare on the helicopter? Well I’m glad you asked…


He says that he felt like they didn’t really know each other. (smooth, JP.) Then he said that he loved f#*king her. What a guy!


Juan Pablo loves to shame his women.  Welcome to the good life Clare!


I’m glad Juan Pablo can say he can’t kiss these women on TV because his daughter is watching, but he does stuff like this on the regular. I wonder what Camila is going to think of her dad being an asshole instead.


In the evening portion of the date, Clare decided to confront Juan Pablo in her villa.  Here is my running dialogue of this part of the date:


- OHHHH CLARE JUST DENIED A BESITO!


- “You told me that you don’t know me at all and that you don’t trust me at all.” - Clare


- “Is that why you didn’t give me a kiss? Okay” - Juan Pablo


- This is the part where Andi would’ve legitimately punched Juany Pabs in the nuts.


- I take back most of the crap I’ve talked about Clare


- I love that everyone in the studio audience is giving the biggest side eye ever to JP.


- He just touched Clare’s face, winked, and said Don’t blame it on me.  What a dickbag.


- And somehow they make up at the end of the night. The part about me taking back most of the crap I said about Clare?  I untake it all back.


- “I may not know him !00%...he may not know me 100%, but I know we have something special.” - Clare. (this is maddening)


- Don’t stick that knife in your leg Clare.


- God, I love Sharleen.  In the lower corner over here just throwing so much shade…


On Nikki and JP’s final date, the two take a sailboat around St. Lucia enjoying the scenery, and taking in the sights.  Nikki tries to get Juan Pablo to open up about his feelings towards her, saying that Juany Pabs is hard to read, and that she feels like he’s a little guarded.


Juan Pablo’s response: “No. When I feel it I open up.”


Nikki tells Juany Pabs she loves him, and is hoping for something in return.  Instead she doesn't get much of anything depth-wise (shocking with this guy, right?) and is left crying alone in a pool of her own tears.


To recap, on the FINAL DATES of the show, Juan Pablo severely pissed one girl off because only connects with her physically, and left the other crying all by herself because he can’t open up to her and tell her anything of substance emotionally.  In previous episodes, the two most intellectual women on the show dumped Juany Pabs because they realized life with him would be miserable.


THESE ARE RED FLAGS PEOPLE!!!


This guy makes me want to punch a nun, I swear.



In the end, Juan Pablo chooses Nikki over Clare to be his his for as long as it takes her to get sick of him.  He did not propose, and he did not tell her he loves her, only that he really liked her.


Clare did not take the news well.  After breaking it off with Clare, she reads him the riot act and says she has lost all respect for him.


His reaction: “Whew!  Glad I didn't pick her.”


Nice guy, that Juan Pablo.


The “After the Final Rose” show was one of the most awkward hours of television ever. You know the crowd hates you when you say something about how you’ve been praying for the people of Venezuela for the terrible violence that’s been happening there, and get NO REACTION from the crowd. The crowd hates The Bachelor worse than they hate the oppressive government of Venezuela.  Think about that for a second.


The final hour of the show consisted of Juan Pablo verbally battling with Chris Harrison.  NO ONE TALKS THAT WAY TO CHRIS HARRISON AND GETS AWAY WITH IT JUANY PABS YOU MONSTER!

Chris Harrison tries to get Juan Pablo to say he loves Nikki, but JP refuses to say anything more than that he likes Nikki a lot. In Juany Pabs’ defense, I get not telling Nikki he loves her after the only time they were openly dating during the airing of the show was when there were 26 others vying for his love as well. It’s only been about 6 months total since they started filming the show.  Real love takes time.  Juan Pablo’s greatest fault here is that he is unable to adequately express this notion with his words.


Sidenote - Brooke legitimately spent most of this part of the show hiding under the covers because it was too awkward for her to watch.  She does this often, by the way. Anytime there is an awkward situation (not scary mind you, just somewhat awkward) you can find Brooke hiding under the blanket. And that’s why I love her.


Seriously, I am over Juan Pablo as the Bachelor.  Instead I am looking towards the future, and who I would like to see as the next Bachelor. For me, there is only one true option.


Haaaaaaaave you met my friend Cory?



He’s a great guy ladies, like a big teddy bear.  Plus, no one can rock a Cookie Monster shirt quite like him.




He’s got all the dance moves.


)


He’s outdoorsy!




And a family man!

Cory for the Bachelor in Season 19!!!!!!



Congratulations to Justine for winning the inaugural Bachelor Fantasy League!  In a shrewd move by the winning GM, she acquired the winning girl via a draft night trade (does it hurt Kelley?).  I hope Justine likes being paid in Applebee’s gift cards!


Until next year, it has been my pleasure being your league commissioner.

Cheers to the Final Rose!

<3 BB

Images: 1,

20 comments

MacKensie said...

What upppp, Cory?! ;) I think I already got a rose via Snapchat. I'd call that a win.

kailyn marie said...

^^^ LMFAO Mackenzie!

Bradley, you forgot to mention his amazing dancing skills....

Fal Finds Happiness said...

SWOON how do I apply for the Bachelor for season 19!? Hubba hubba. But seriously, NICKI IS SO DUMB AND SHE'S FROM KANSAS CITY MAKING ALL OF US (YES, I'M FROM KANSAS CITY) LOOK LIKE DUMB GIRLS OKAY THIS ISN'T FAIR (I'M CHANNELING MY INNER JUILETTE WITH ALL OF THESE CAPS) BUT SERIOUSLY SHE MAKES ME SO MAD.

Laura {happily ever} Parker said...

It was absolutely maddening! Is Brad even more mad that Renee is not the next bachelorette?

Melissa Suggitt said...

I can't wait til the day I can meet brad in person because he seems hilarious. and also, REDRUM. (brad will get it..cause he sent me a creepy snap).

Kasey Lynne said...

SO glad that I didn't waste my time on JP.

Corey,
I have a few California girls that you should meet ;)

Alex[andra] said...

I've never seen this show but based on what I've read here, it sounds like Juan Whatever His Name Is went on that show to get laid. Makes sense.

Helene said...

haha this is just so sad. like he's ridiculous. i agree, cory for '19!

Kenzie S said...

I am so with Brooke about hiding under the covers from the awkwardness. Juan made me want to go smack my head on a wall, much like the guy in the gif above! He is always repeating the same thing and talking in circles. If I would have gotten stuck with him, there is a 99,9% chance that I would have shot him. Point blank. To end my misery. Poor Nikki for being dumb enough to hang around. Also, thank you Brad for letting us know what he said to Clare!! I wanted to know SO bad ha ha. I'm going to miss these recaps.

Go Cory! Those dance moves are the bomb diggity!

Cory Lowe said...

Ladies, ladies, ladies... lets take a breath you will all get a chance at your one on one time. I clearly have very good friends that I have tricked into thinking im not a dummy like Juan Pablo. Kasey your "California Girls" (katy perry voice) are always welcome haha but yes MacKensie has already received the first impression rose!:)

Fairy Princess Jord said...

He's awful and I hate everything about him. And I'm the only weirdo who doesn't even seem to think he's hott. I think he looks like a dumb dog, and I feel bad saying that because it's offensive to the dog.

Sarah :: Your Plucky Picaroon said...

Ha! So sad that Juan Pablo turned out to be so douchey. :(

Caroline said...

Sorry, but my favorite part of this post is Brad casually slipping in a "that's why I love her" to you, Brooke... TAKE THAT, JP.

kailyn marie said...

and now that i'm on my computer, i see the video. #donthate

Angel The Alien said...

I've had a bad feeling about Juan Pablo for a long time. It kind of grossed me out that he kept kissing them ALL, one after another. Would you want to kiss a guy who just kissed another girl five minutes ago? And I didn't like how he tried to blame Clare for the all "swimming in the ocean" and acted like it was a big mistake. Nobody forced him to "swim" with her!

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

Oh man I remember that We Can't Stop video from forever ago!!!!! MUCH better dancer than JP.

JumpingJE said...

Get in there Cory!!!!

Whitney Leigh said...

The main reason I'm sad about this season ending is because I'm going to miss Brad's recaps. Please tell me he'll be here for the bachelorette.

Landon watched the last episode with me and he too, spent most of it under a blanket. He has a severe case of second hand embarrassment that he just can't get a handle on.

Erica Jacquline said...

It was such a weird season! I am so glad that he was the bachelor for the sheer fact that maybe some women will see some similar traits in men they are with and realize it isn't right to be shamed and objectified by "a great family guy" who is always just "being honest."
PS I love that you nominated your friend for the next Bachelor Hey Oh!

Finding Clementine said...

Ummmm I am so sad I missed The Bachelor bracket. It wouldn't be my first Bachelor Bracket win. #imjustsayin