5.01.2014

i just want my coffee in slushie form

Starbucks. Why must you be so complicated? Here is the deal, I have a very love / hate relationship when it comes to Starbucks. Yes, I have wasted enough money there that I am a gold card member. Yes, I love red cup season. Yes, I extra love iced coffee time --- but I just can't handle how big of a deal they make everything. 

Like yesterday for instance, it was uncharacteristically hot for April at over 80 degrees here in Portland and I wanted to treat myself to an iced coffee on my lunch break...And not just any iced coffee, but I was craving an iced coffee in a delicious, perfect texture of ice, blended, slushie form.  With that being said - all I wanted was some iced coffee blended up with some soy milk. No pumps of sweetener. No whipped cream. No extra bells and whistles. So, I walk up to the counter and here is the exchange between the barista and I after I have stared blankly at the menu for a few moments searching for anything that might resemble what I am craving.   

Me: Hi, so I was wondering does the Caffe Espresso Frappuccino have a lot of extras in it or is it more just a blended iced coffee? 
Barista: Oh no, the Caffee Espresso doesn't have much extra to it. They really try to highlight just the espresso flavor in this drink. 
Me: Oh Perfect, I'm trying to stay away from extra sugars and dairy if possible. Can I get it with soy milk, please?
Barista: Oh well, it does come with an espresso infused whipped cream and Italian drizzle that is delicious. 
Me: Wait? What? I thought you just said it didn't come with anything extra. Ok then, can I get it without the whipped cream and the sugary drizzle please? If I wanted sugar I would ask for it. Don't just go throwing Diabeetus in there!
Barista: But the whipped cream is really good, it is infused with espresso!!!
Me: I know you mentioned that. I still don't want it. I am cutting out dairy. 
Barista: So since you're not getting the extras. Do you just want the coffee frappuccino then?
Me: Wait?! Coffee Frappuccino was an option? But it is not up on the board!? Do you people have a secret menu that I don't know about?! Now I am so confused. Why can't you just say here are small, medium, large, here are flavors we offer, here is coffee.  Yes, I would just like the coffee frappuccino then if that is an option. No sugary drizzle, no whipped cream. Just blended coffee, please. 

Naturally, I was super awkward during this whole exchange and started to get red and splotchy trying to explain what I wanted. Besides, all I wanted was the simplest drink on the menu - coffee goodness in slushie form. Is that so hard to make, Starbucks?!?!? I am pretty sure whatever I ended up with still had extra sugars and sweeteners in it, but at that point I just gave up. I took my drink and quickly power walked away. This is why I need to just stick to the Kcups at the office. I wonder if my boss would get annoyed if I brought a blender into work?! That wouldn't be loud or anything.... 

Cheers to Iced Coffee? 

<3 BB

31 comments

Melissa Suggitt said...

they always give me the stink eye when i say no whip. but i dont fucking like whipped cream. GET OUT OF MY FACE.

P!nky said...

OH wow, that's ridiculous. How did the barista not understand what you wanted in the beginning. I just don't get it....

That gif is incredible though, starbucks makes me face palm myself sometimes.

Kay said...

I seriously get the worst looks when I ask for things without whipcream.. Like I KNOW you put enough sugar in the actual drink that I don't need the whipped sugar on top, ok? Except that now I'm totally craving coffee in slushie form and I'm going to have to make a trip on my lunch break and have this exact awkward exchange...

JumpingJE said...

Seeing that I know you in real life I got a sad "oh no" face followed by a giggle when you mentioned your nervous splotchy skin. BLENDED COFFEE here I come!

Kristen said...

that first gif is hilarious - how do i not know where that is from?
i have a love hate relationship with starbucks. i dont drink coffee, but they make some yummy iced drinks and EVERY time I go there, I ask for what I want and say at least 10 times 'no coffee, right?' and they say yeah yeah no coffee and 9 times out of ten it has coffee. 'oh i thought you meant no extra shot. IF I MEANT THAT I WOULD HAVE SAID THAT.
lol.

Kristen said...

but god almighty i love their whipped cream - i really shouldnt though.

Tami said...

I feel this post so hard! All I drink is plain old coffee and the occasional latte. The baristas always look at me like I have two heads. 'Just a PLAIN coffee???? Okay... your funeral...' (I may have added that last part)

Jess said...

Starbucks can be too complicated. IT'S JUST FREAKIN' COFFEE!

Amanda Elizabeth - Meet @ the Barre said...

That gif is absolutely perfect! I bought a Nespresso and Keurig....two best purchases ever. I get an extra 20 minutes of sleep in the morning now as well :-)

Meg {henninglove} said...

so i admit i turned up the volume hoping that GIF would play like a movie clip but sadly no... and that is why i dont go to starbucks too confusing, they ask too many questions so i end up the simplest drink so people in line behind me dont get annoyed at me like in elementary school and the water fountain 1, 2, 3, you are done

Amanda - Voyage of the MeeMee said...

I feel like such a dumb ass every.time. I order there. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST USE SMALL, MEDIUM AND LARGE?! And they DO have a secret menu. ;) Google that shit, woman!

Helene in Between said...

i always feel so dumb at starbucks. like i really have no idea what i'm doing. and what's up with the secret drinks?!

Laura {happily ever} Parker said...

I have a Starbucks in my lobby. I don't even want to know how many calories I have consumed or drinks I have purchased. Order a coffee light frap next time you are there. I always get that and it's just a regular coffee with non-fat milk (or I suppose you could skip the milk all together!)

Corie said...

I have only been to Starbucks once and got a hot chocolate... and it was the worst tasting hot chocolate I've ever had! LOL I'm a weirdo for sure :)

Rachel Sedaker said...

I've been getting more daring for asking for what I want at cafes/restaurants, but it still makes me feel nervous and blotchy. I feel ya. Secret menu, what?

Nadine Lynn said...

My skin gets red and splotchy all the time too!!! When I am sad, mad, nervous, frustrated, ahhhh! Just give her the damn icey coffee and stop being a douche canoe barista slave!

Kenzie Smith said...

I am awkward every. single. time. I go into Starbucks and order something. I always forget what I normally order so I try to explain it but I sound like an idiot. Plus I hate their fancy size names, I just want a large. That first gif had me laughing pretty hard!

lil desiqua said...

The gifs are perfect, as always!
Um... I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic or not, but yes, they do have a secret menu. With all sorts of craziness like Grasshopper/Smores/Banana Split Frapps! I literally only order one of three things there though, because otherwise I get flustered and feel like an idiot. Those baristas are reallly good at making you feel dumb!

Kait said...

ordering coffee is so, so hard

Lauren said...

But now all I want is the caffe whatever frappucino... And um yeah, I think a blender at work is the best answer, sorry boss!

Just Me, Angie! said...

Starbucks is my no better place to go Coffee stop ... I love the "You're stupid in 3 languages" gif.

MacKensie said...

lolz. we'll make our own damn frappuccinos when I come visit.

Illegally Blonde said...

I vote next time your order a coffee slushy with soy... but coffee frappacino lite w/ soy is what you are looking for. sugar free.

Angi said...

I miss Starbucks. A lot. And yeah I know it's overpriced and most things there are like 234820398123 calories but a coffee frap sounds awesome right now. It's HOT here dude...like 55 today!

Anyhow. What movie is that first gif from?? Paul Rudd = amazeballs and I must have missed that one somehow.

Ashley said...

Hahah seriously!!! This is me at Starbucks! It's so annoying! WHY CANT YOU LIST ALL THE CHOICES SO I DONT STAMMER LIKE AN IDIOT!

Rachel @ Love, Rachel said...

lolololol

Kelli @She Crab Soup said...

This is why I have never been to Starbuck, gasp I know.

Angel The Alien said...

That sounds like a stressful ordeal! Maybe they're hoping, the more stressed out you get, the more coffee you will want to drink. Although coffee has the opposite effect from being soothing. They'll have a bunch of angry, nervous, hopped-up customers on their hands!

Myra said...

THIS. EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's like I'm talking in some weirdo Myra-language every time I ask for a simple coffee slush. I mean wtf.

I say we open our own store and call it The Simple Coffee Slush (with no whipped cream).

Kasey Lynne said...

I feel like the "new" employees at Starbucks are like that, but the tried and true employees who have their s*** together would've offered the coffee frappucino right off the bat.

Some people....

Little Misadventures said...

Oh, I have never had Starbucks but every time I hear something like that it makes me glad that I haven't. I love coffee in all forms but gah, that just sounds like a nightmare!