JUANSday // week 4

Bradley is back at it again and brought his A-Game today. As always there are spoiler alerts in this Bachelor Fantasy Draft Recap, but I mean it's the Bachelor...does it realllllly matter if it gets spoiled for you? The recaps are too funny to not read. He provides the commentary, I provide the pics and gifs. Enjoy!

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This is the week the claws officially came out. The Bachelor mansion has become a house divided, and the battle lines have been drawn. This season is shaping up to be Clare v. Nikki for the role of alpha female. The great thing about this battle is that it’s possible for both women to lose.  This is the outcome I am definitely hoping for.  Let’s look at the case against Clare, shall we?

//Clare – Clare loves attention more than anything in the world. She is unafraid to hijack a date and not let any of the other girls get close to JP. She gets way too over dramatic about having to eat octopus.  It’s not like she was asked to eat yak taint, octopus isn’t even that exotic. Andrew Zimmer would slap Clare in the face and tell her to get her life together.

She is from Sacramento, a city where dreams go to die.  It may be the state capital, but not by choice. True story, Sacramento is the Cleveland of the West Coast.  Not even the Kings want to be in Sacramento anymore.

No offense to the hairstylists of the world, but your job involves conversing (and I’m sure sharing in gossip) with clientele in the name of keeping up personal appearances.  Should it come as a shock that Clare comes off as someone who instigates drama, cares entirely too much about how she looks when Juany Pabs walks in the room, and is clingier than Seran Wrap?  Don’t get me wrong, Clare may very well be the spawn of Satan, but let’s not all act shocked that homegirl is what she is.

There are several things I would rather endure than having to date Clare, such as:

- Poke a hornets nest

- Be stuck in a room with Kate Gosselin for a week straight

- Be forced to eat only mayonnaise for the rest of eternity

- Become part of Bieber’s entourage

- Let Honey Boo Boo’s mom eat things off my body

So yeah, basically Clare is the worst type of person.  Juan Pablo, do you really want to be stuck with that for life? The woman has more red flags than Switzerland.  Even Lauren S. dropped the “she’s not here for the right reasons” quote in regards to Clare.  As the GM of team “Here For The Right Reasons,” thank you for the ringing endorsement.  We’ll miss you on the show.

Other highlights of this week’s show:

//Sharleen continuing her masterful slow playing of Juan Pablo.  Seriously, she’s playing the “I’m not sure if I’m actually very interested in him or not” card to perfection. Shar Shar is like a tractor beam, sucking JP right in. Bonus points for Sharleen spending some time practicing her kissing technique (I imagine on her hand, like a girl at a middle school slumber party). Sharleen was handsomely rewarded with a seductive post-kiss lip bite from Juan Pablo. Way to step up your game, Shar.

//Kat taking over the dance portion of the group date, showing extreme enthusiasm and vigor to show off her moves to a crowd of onlookers.  She may list herself as a ‘Medical Device Sales Rep’ now, but I am led to believe that she had a prior life in another job.  The fake boobs and crowd-pleasing hip thrusts can only mean one thing: Kat used to be a stripper/high-end escort.  That, or the hot, easy girl on the college dance team.  You be the judge.

//On the other end of the spectrum, Nikki showed that her dancing ability is equal to that of Taylor Swift at the Grammys. For someone who loves dancing, Juany Pabs couldn’t have been impressed.

SWIFTY IS THE WORST. GO AWAY FOREVER. (#BrookeEdit) 

Which will come first, a fight in the Bachelor mansion, or Clare is the first one to go all the way with JP?  My money is squarely on the latter.

There are only two teams remaining with all their girls left.  Clearly Cory and I scouted well as our teams are still completely intact (THERE WAS NO SCOUTING WE DREW FROM A HAT #BrookeEdit).  We’ll see what happens in coming weeks.  Stay tuned...

Cheers! 

<3 BB