juany pabs recap // week 1

Hi Guys, 

Since I am participating in a Bachelor Fantasy Draft, I wanted to share the weekly recaps that Brad is writing to the 12 contestants participating in the draft. I don't want to actually say Brad is funny, because it will go to his head -so you can decide if he is entertaining for yourselves.

***There are spoilers in here if you have not watched the first episode***

Take it away Bradley..... 

- 

Only one episode in, and already there are two Bachelor Fantasy League teams that are finished - their girls tossed aside like Lindsay Lohan’s career.  In two hours, teams ‘Wine, Women, & Juan’ and ‘Fantasy Suite’ went from thinking they had a shot to wondering what had happened in their lives to leave them sobbing and full of spite like Lauren H.

Which brings me to my next point, if you CLEARLY aren’t over the heartbreak of your fiancé breaking things off with you via phone call or email, I would highly not recommend going on a nationally televised dating show where the guy you’re after is trying to get to know 26 other girls plus yourself.  Not only will you not win Juany Pabs’ heart, but your dating stock is plummeting quicker than the Titanic. Seriously Lauren H., I think it’s time for you to sit the next few plays out and compose yourself.  What the hell is a Mineral Coordinator anyway?

Let’s look at some other highlights from the premiere:

//Why does Cassandra list her profession as “Former NBA Dancer”?  Can’t she just go with “unemployed”, or “Income derived from child support from marginal NBA player with whom I had a child”? Juany Pabs, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who defines herself by when she used to dance for people in between timeouts? Show some ambition Cassandra. I’d put money that she is one of the owners of the boobs that get flashed in the “this season on The Bachelor” montage at the end of the first episode.

//Also, if I ever walk into a massage parlor, and Amy J. is waiting to put her hands on me, I will immediately scream and run away.  Every year, someone brings a prop to be remembered by as their first impression.  Nikki brought a stethoscope for a cute “I’ll let Juany Pabs feel how my heart beats for him” moment.  Amy J. brought a massage table, and proceeded to try and undress our fearless JP. Less than 5 minutes after meeting him.  Don’t be like Amy J.

//Quick note to Lucy, the free spirit –  That hair and the flowers you put on, it make you look like an 8 year old girl on Easter.  I don’t care if your best friend is Kate Middleton, go put on some shoes.

Early favorites:

//Renee – If I could real-life date any of the girls on this show (which I have no desire to because I’m dating Brooke who kicks all sorts of ass – Hi Brooke!) I would choose Renee.  She seems to be the most down to earth contestant on the show.  Being an “I have kid too, so I’m not here to deal with any dramatic bullshit” contestant probably is going to score points with our favorite Venezuelan soccer pro.

//While we’re on that topic, I have my doubts that Juany Pabs “retired” because Camila was born.  Dude scored two goals playing in the 4^th division of pro soccer in the US.  Maybe you retired because diapers aren’t cheap, and maybe you “retired” because you scored two goals playing for a team in the 4^th tier of pro soccer in the US.

//Nikki – There is no way Nikki was going home on the first night after playing Doctor with our boy JP.  It didn’t hurt that she also looked amazing in that dress. Look for Nikki to go deep.

Andi – For the record, I am all in on #teamAndi.  Jason, if you’re reading this, you can have both my girls (Renee and Sharleen) for Andi.  Seriously.  I have considered committing a federal crime just so Andi will prosecute the hell out of me.

//Speaking of girls on team ‘Here For The Right Reasons,’ (Brad's Fantasy Team) Juan Pablo bestowed the First Impression rose, and based on the teaser of the rest of the season, Sharleen looks like she is poised to make a long run in the competition.  Hopefully moving forward, Shar Shar treats compliments from Juany Pabs with more emotion and feelings and less like he just ripped a nasty fart in her face.

That concludes the week one Bachelor recap.  Hopefully they will let Chantel the black girl speak on camera next week.  Stay tuned.

TEAM RECAPS:

- Don't Steal My Sparkle (Kristi): Cassandra, Elise

- Team DD (Tyler): Lucy, Clare, Lauren S.

- Wine, Women, & Juan (Judy): Ashley, Maggie

- JUANderlust (Tricia): Katherine, Lauren H.

- Here For The Right Reasons (Brad): Renee, Sharleen

- This Is Not a Game (Kelley): Allison, Kelly, Victoria*

- Fantasy Suite (Erica): Christine L, Alexis

- Team Chris Harrison (Jason): Chantel, Andi, Amy J.

- Latino Lovers (Annie) Valerie, Amy L.

- One on Juan Date (Brooke): Kylie, Christine H.

- Last Juan Standing (Cory): Danielle, Chelsie

- Neil Lane Lady (Justine): Lacy, Nikki*

* Denotes the pick resulted from a trade

Cheers to the final rose! 

-Bradley